Marriage is scary.
on observing our parents' relationship throughout our childhood, and our choices in love.
Your 20s are a very interesting time because some of your friends might be traveling the world, someone just landed their dream job, another person just quit their “dream” job, others are out running half-marathons, and some are starting a family of their own. The one that I find most daunting is marriage.
I have been with my boyfriend for almost 7 years now. Which, yes, that’s a very long time. Some of you might be wondering why there isn’t a ring on my finger yet. Trust me, a lot of people have asked us this question. But, marriage is not at the top of my priorities right now. I’m turning 24 in twelve days, which means I’ve only been “adulting” for, realistically, four-ish years. Moreover, I want to spend more time understanding and cherishing what defines “love”. My perception on “love” has changed numerous times, and I feel as though I am just beginning to understand how to portray it in regard to others, as well as myself.
Permanence and commitment are not on my list of fears, however, transparency and trust are. I am fearful that a person will not love me in the way that I want to be loved. Additionally, I am fearful that I will not ever be able to “fully” love someone, if I cannot learn to love myself first.
The relationship that parents share is, ultimately, a child’s first representation of love, as well as how individuals “should” treat each other.
For example, read through the following statements:
“She’s just drunk, she doesn’t know what she’s saying.”
“It’s just a joke, don’t be so sensitive.”
“Are you also on a tight leash with your wife?”
“C’mon be a man, talk for yourself.”
Passive-aggressiveness, as defined by Princeton University, is the utilization of sarcasm and indirect speech to either avoid conversation or exert control over others, with little regard to that persons’ feelings, rights, and/or needs (Princeton, 2024).
Earlier, I had quoted the word “should”, in regard to how we “should” behave towards others. As a child, our morals and values stem mainly from our parental figures. Their behaviorisms and mannerisms become our sense of normality, but nevertheless, they hold the potential of being flawed. Those flaws are not unveiled until we have reached Erikson’s fifth stage of psychosocial crisis: Fidelity; Learning Identity Vs. Identity Diffusion (Brittian et al., 2013).
Much of psychology delves into the idea of “self” and how our external environment influences our associations with our identity, and how others perceive us. During the fidelity stage, specifically, adolescents are faced with the task of forming meaningful relationships and establishing a sense of trust and commitment (Brittian et al., 2013). Children must navigate the challenges of peer pressure, social expectations, and personal values in order to develop a strong sense of self. If successful, they will emerge with a clear sense of identity and purpose. As a result, they are able to form lasting relationships based on trust and loyalty, and they have a strong sense of self-confidence and independence. However, those who struggle with this stage may experience feelings of confusion, isolation, or mistrust. This is why they may have difficulty forming close relationships or committing to long-term goals.
When personal values overlap with parental values, a child, speaking from my own experiences, resorts to creating a common middle ground between both parties. This ends up being their biggest downfall. Let me explain.
If your values are partly based on someone else’s expectations, you are not living authentically nor truthfully as yourself. Instead, you are seeking validation that is coming from an external source. The love that you seek is based on the recognition you receive, rather than the recognition you deserve unconditionally. This is where many people-pleasing traits, or characteristics, stem from. The biggest problem that people-pleasers face is this constant cycle of self-sacrifice, making it difficult to address their own needs and wants (JMU, 2022).
As a child, one of our biggest fears is letting our parents down. Personally, saying the word “no” to my parents was foreign to me. As the eldest, I took on responsibility and a sense of independence very quickly, simply, because it was expected of me. However, this independence then led to the self-realization that I was not pursuing endeavors solely based on my own wants and needs. Once I started to do so, I was reprimanded for not “following in their footsteps” or “listening”. Children may then associate their own wants and needs with “selfishness” and, therefore, take on the same generational baggage that was placed on the shoulders of their parent(s) when they were a kid.
This is one of the first ways that conditional love is introduced to a child. To summarize, children are taught that they are worthy and deserving of love ONLY if they behave in ways that please the parents, not just for being themselves. As a result, children develop a fear of abandonment if they cannot prove themselves “worthy”. This is reflected in future romantic relationships by the absence of boundaries and adopting the identity of your partner.
“Like the Second Law of Thermodynamics, which says that in closed energy systems things tend to run down and get less orderly, the same seems to be true of closed relationships like marriages.” - John Gottman
From what I can understand, if you are not doing anything to benefit your marriage, and you are also not doing anything wrong (i.e cheating, for example), the marriage will still tend to get worse over time. To maintain a balanced emotional ecology there is a need to make an effort— think about how to make a good thing even better. This goes for yourself, as well. Putting in the same time, energy, and love that you willingly give to others, should also be given back to yourself. THIS IS NECESSARY. You cannot expect to show up as the best version of yourself for your partner, if you choose to neglect your mental, emotional, and physical health.
“It takes two to make it work, and only one to destroy everything” - Unknown
Seemingly, the majority of divorce laws are biased to benefit the more irresponsible party. Currently, courts within the US recognize two types of divorce: Absolute, “divorce a vinculo matrimonii”, and Limited, “divorce a menso et thoro” (Cornell, 2024a).
Traditionally, obtaining an absolute divorce required a showing of fault such as adultery or domestic abuse pursued by one of the spouses (Cornell, 2024b). However, many courts, such as in Illinois, have changed their grounds for how divorce is recognized: irreconcilable differences, also referred to as a “no fault” divorce. While legally, this can provide closure to a case more quickly, since no party is “at fault”, it seemingly enables a spouse who, perhaps, did commit adultery, for example.
I think this is where self-awareness comes into play.
If our early experiences were marked by inconsistency or neglect, we may possess a higher tendency to seek out similar dynamics in our adult relationships. However, despite our childhood experiences having a significant impact on our relationship endeavors, they are not solely responsible. We have the capacity to recognize and change patterns that may not be serving us well in our relationships.
To myself and anyone else feeling the same way: Marriage is a scary concept, but it should not deter us from investing in a love that holds great possibilities and opportunities. Growing older with someone you love is a blessing. There is strength in communicating and persevering through plight such as financial hardships, mental and physical health struggles, and even feelings of romantic uncertainty. It showcases understanding, validation, safety, and support. Yes, our bodies will get wrinkly and saggy in places, but our eyes will always stay the same. Look for the pair of eyes that feel like home, and someone’s embrace that feels like a blanket fresh out of the dryer.
Just promise me one thing: Please be honest and vocalize to a person when your feelings for someone begin to diminish. Hurting someone you love, while learning to love yourself, will leave scars on both hearts.
References:
Cornell Law School. (2024a). Legal Dictionary & Encyclopedia: “Absolute.” Legal Information Institute. https://www.law.cornell.edu/wex/absolute
Cornell Law School. (2024b). Legal Dictionary & Encyclopedia: “Fault divorce.” Legal Information Institute. https://www.law.cornell.edu/wex/fault_divorce
Brittian, A. S., & Lerner, R. M. (2013, April). Early influences and later outcomes associated with developmental trajectories of Eriksonian Fidelity. Developmental psychology. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4007157/#:~:text=According%20to%20 Erikson%2C%20 fidelity%20 emerges,stable%20identity%20has%20been%20 achieved.
James Madison University. (2022, June 27). Counseling center: People pleasing. JMU. https://www.jmu.edu/counselingctr/self-help/relationships/people-pleasing.shtml
The Trustees of Princeton University. (2024). Understanding your communication style | Umatter. Princeton University. https://umatter.princeton.edu/respect/tools/communication-styles#:~:text=or%20 fingers%20 pointing.-,Passive%2DAggressive%20Communication,needs%2C%20or%20feelings%20of%20others